A New York egg roll is not really Chinese food. It is a regionalized version of an Americanized version of Chinese food. A genuine experience of eating a New York egg roll should first burn the roof of your mouth just enough to be sensitive (as opposed to the molten lava/cheese burn of a genuine New York slice of pizza that ought to leave a piece of skin hanging from the roof of your mouth) and cause the crispy egg roll exterior to be a painful irritation with every bite all while at the same time a single drop of hot oil meanders down your lip to your chin leaving a 2nd-degree burn trail. But, this foodie version of self-flagellation should be overwhelmed by the crunchy explosion of the shell, followed by the natural crunch of cabbage, the savory flavors of tiny shrimp (possibly sea monkeys) and bits of discarded roast pork, all melded together with cloyingly sweet duck sauce as the Chinese mustard also seers your sinuses to the point of tears.

I needed this experience to stave off zombie-apocalypse depression. So, I set out to make them and share the relatively simple recipe here with you.